Looping: The 4-Step Listening Move That Turns Fights Into “I Feel Seen”

Looping is a listening, understanding, & connection technique from Gary Friedman (Center for Understanding & Conflict). It proves to whomever you're talking to, that you're genuinely trying to understand them, even when you PROFOUNDLY disagree.

This will 100% transform how you show up in relationships with others & has science-backed research behind it.

The 4 Steps of Looping

• 1. Listen: REALLY listen to what they're most upset or concerned about. What is important to them (NOT YOU) Listen to metaphors, past stories, & they might yell, cuss, cry, it's fine, keep listening (disclaimer: this does not include abuse).

  Don't focus on how you don't agree, your response is, or specific words/ semantics, (distraction), concentrate on the gist of their points & DO NOT INTERRUPT.

  
  

• 2. Say It: Using your own words, sincerely, repeat it back to them so you're not using derisive, sarcastic, or dismissive language. Try to summarize their position as if you were the one saying it yourself.

  
  

• 3. Check it: Literally ask, "Is that right? Did I miss anything? This only works if you're GENUINELY curious. You need to want to know the answer.

  
  

  You'll see that most people will add on to, adjust, or correct, their original statements, making them closer to what they're really feeling. This process reveals the core of what they care about most.

  
  

  The adjustment process is CRUCIAL as you understand them better, and at the same time, they trust that you WANT to understand them. This is the magic skeleton key to conflict.

  
  

• 4. Confirmation: Adjustment may happen several times, but eventually, you'll get to where they say, "Yes, exactly!" Then & ONLY then, do you move on.
  

Why it works

Being understood is regulating. When someone reflects your meaning accurately, your body gets the message, “I’m safe here.” The volume drops. Curiosity returns. And suddenly you’re two people facing a problem, not two people treating each other like the problem.

Common bumps (and how to glide over them)

• “You got it wrong.” Great, you learned something. Try: “Okay, say more, was it more about feeling left out than ignored?”

• They monologue forever. Keep presence kind: “I want to stay with you, can we keep each turn to a couple of minutes so I can reflect it back?”

• Tone gets sharp. Name the standard: “I’ll stay respectful and I need the same. If it slips, I’ll take 20 and come back at 7:30.”
  

I coach couples 100% online in an action-focused 8-week program that helps you argue less, connect more, and build habits that last, like Looping, fast repair, and weekly “Team-Us” check-ins.

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